2022, as it comes to an end, like any year, I reminisce about the previous 12 months. The dominating moment of my year that will linger for the rest of my life is the death of my stepson Jakub. I can firmly state that it is the worst possible thing I have ever had to go through, continue to go through and work through. 2023 will possess no new memories with Jakub and I find that hard to wrestle with.
As excitement was building for our 10th anniversary trip to Costa Rica, only days away, I was faced with the devastating reality of what can happen when schizophrenia is untreated. It was Jakub's decision to go off his medication, no one could convince him otherwise. Jakub, after a while, could no longer face the demons of his mind and took his own life in the early evening of March 11. After several days of looking for him, the filing of a missing person report brought out the horrible truth that he matched a John Doe. I still have days where I don't believe it is true, especially over holidays when he would be home from school and spending time with us. I hear his laughter, distinct and his. I see the replay that was created in my mind by the description relayed from the medical examiner of the video surveillance footage that caught his final moments. Slipping in the fresh snow up the steps, 4th light post, without hesitation, no pain, instantaneous, gone. Someone spotted his body 6 hours later and after much pacing wrote call 911 in the snow, the next morning snowshoers found him, his light set free, never to grow old. The day after that, the terrible news was told to me. A blurr and fog began. Jakub and I were finally growing our relationship, feeling more comfortable with each other and engaging in meaningful conversations. How, Why, No....All the stages of grief presented themselves to me but I chose to keep busy and push them away until they came crashing down in late June. Before I get ahead of myself, let's go back to January and February.
January 3rd I decided to no longer consume alcohol and I'm very proud that I am coming up on my 1 year anniversary of being sober. Sugar cravings after quitting drinking are real. The desire to have a drink is gone but that craving was almost unmanageable in March. I now know that it was one of the best things that I wasn't drinking in March. I'm sure if I was, it wouldn't have been good and I would continue to suppress the grief work I needed to do along with the self discovery that comes along with quitting.
I am always trying new things, sugar cookie decorating took hold in late January and I continue to spread sugary love. Plenty of heart cookies were consumned in February.
April was when we had Jakub's celebration of life, a saying that I think should only be reserved for those that have long lives. How to celebrate such a short life of 26 years. I'm proud of Aaron's openness to share the truth of Jakub. As someone with their own mental health challenges, I truly believe in open, honest discussions and no longer hiding the reality. Easter was the first holiday to face, I went through the motions.
May, Mother's Day, same day as Jakub's Birthday, fuck. I had a tiny 8th note tattooed on my wrist in memory of him for his birthday. The ice melted at the cottage and I bought myself a little boat. My own little tinner to toodle around. I'm trying to live in a way that honors Jakub, he timidly did what he wanted without apology. He taught me to follow my dreams and to live for the moment. I have always wanted a little boat so I did it! I now long to find a way to help others in similar situations as Jakub, I haven't figured out what or where that might be, the thoughts and ideas swirl waiting for the sting to not be so bad.
By the end of June I wasn't functioning well, I could no longer push the emotions away by keeping busy. I was managing to get through the days, but not fulfilling my responsibilities at home or work very well. My anxiety increased, sorrow and depression took over and I was put on medical leave, told by my Dr to work through my grief. I took my Dr's words seriously and immersed myself in the grieving process. I read about grief, did recommended grieving tasks, wrote and wrote, created grief art, had important sessions with my peer support worker and gave myself permission to feel everything. Not only did I grieve the loss of Jakub but so many other sorrows surfaced; childhood stuff, loss of others I love and the universal grief that we have all felt as a result of the pandemic. May we all work through the feeling of loss from the past few years.
Summer happens at the cottage as much as we can and in July we had many visitors, both family and friends. Genevieve went canoeing for 2 weeks at the start of August and I went away to the 'I Am' festival. The festival weekend felt like an indulgence for myself, full of struggle, self determination and fulfillment. I performed a grief ceremony at the festival with a grief expert from Hawaii that helped me in so many ways. I will forever be thankful for the safe container he fostered and that held me through those tough personal moments. I felt Jakub all around me in the forest during the ceremony, it helped so much.
At the end of August we travelled to Saskatoon for a family reunion and celebration of my in-laws 25th Wedding Anniversary. Great conversations, understanding and unconditional love.
I tried making the job I started in January work out. It is a great business but the management was poor and as most studies show, that is what eventually causes the loss of employees. I became another one of those stats in early September. I left my job, an environment that was becoming increasingly more toxic, after accepting the position of Office Administrator at our local United Church. I am so very happy and blessed to be working there. I feel appreciated, valued and like I am making a difference, I have found a community of wonderful people that I look forward to working with for many years to come. I love the peace that comes over me when I enter the building, taking a moment each morning to gaze upon the stain glass, allowing good to fill me.
I enjoyed a weekend in Paris, Ontario celebrating the wedding of my cousin with Aaron and G, sadly missed by some of my Winnipeg family due to injury and sickness. Cruising in the Mustang was a highlight, top down, hitting the road to Port Dover.
October, the winding down of summer and preparing for winter. Also the month that Jakub's ashes were spread. I said the following as I tossed flowers into the river where his parents spread his ashes 'With the spreading of Jakub's ashes, his last earthly remains, may his mana, light, source, and energy spread the world sharing his gifts everywhere. May he rest easy knowing the love I have for him continues.' Thanksgiving was hard, wanting Jakub to be alive and struggling for thankfulness. Quiet reflection at the cottage helped. I took a beading class from a local indigenous woman that sparked my latest crafting obsession.
I was impressed at my first opera, Cenerentola, in November.
December proved very difficult to get into the Christmas spirit. I didn't even want to set up a tree. I did though and took it down on boxing day, wanting the season to be over and done with. I slipped into a bad depression for a couple of days starting the day before Christmas Eve. Family couldn't make it to town and Christmas sure didn't feel right this year. Jakub was a super star on our Christmas family zoom call Dec 2021. I miss him so much. I've grown more and more less fond of Christmas over the past few years and that was amplified this year. Small things brought glimmers of peace, a visit by a blue orb, Christmas Eve singing in church, the love of my immediate family and so many friends and family that reached out knowing it was going to be a difficult time.
I am so thankful for so many people in my life that stood by me this year. My husband is the most amazing person, I ache for his loss and I am so thankful for him. His quiet, steadfast manner is able to navigate any situation with calm. My daughter, Genevieve, where to begin. She knows me so well, is ready with a hug as many times a day as needed, the provider of quick wit that fills me with laughter, and so much more. Sefton, always bringing his perspective to all situations, keeps me real by saying what needs to be mentioned and carrying on the best he can after the loss of his brother, mentor and friend.
It is a very uncomfortable situation that I have gone through this year, it's not over, but I want you to know that if you are in a diffcult situation or struggling you can get through it.
I can't thank you enough, everyone who helped me this year, held me in your thoughts and reached out at just the right time. I am so blessed to have gotten what I needed from my squad, thank you for holding me up.
Happy New Year, may we all find peace, continue our gratitude and spread some love.
xo Christine
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